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The Boyfriend and I were fortunate enough to be able to travel to Germany and France just after Thanksgiving, returning the first week of December. This idea came about because sometime around October, I had the thought that if I didn’t get out of the state of Georgia soon, I might just start constructing the Seven Wonders of the World in my condo. Which would, of course, require me to open up a putt-putt golf course and…let’s face it….the world really doesn’t need another one of those. In short – – I get a little twitchy when I haven’t traveled abroad in a while, and so I informed Chris one wild-eyed night that “we have to get out of here”. Thinking it best not to agitate the insane woman in his house, he cautiously agreed – – while quickly glancing at my hands to ensure I wasn’t holding any sharp objects.

We went and saw my cousin Sean and his new wife, Lizzie, at their home in Stuttgart, Germany, and then took the train from there to Paris. Unfortunately, when we arrived in Germany, Chris and I were like two jetlagged slugs who’d had about a pound of salt poured on us before being run over by a tractor. So while we went out to some pubs and a FANTASTIC German restaurant complete with some rockin’ beers, we didn’t get to see as much of Germany as we would have liked. This was vastly made-up for by the fact that Lizzie and Sean are wonderful to just hang out with and were so kind to let us take in some much-needed relaxation with them in their beautiful home that overlooks the German countryside.

The train ride into Paris was a groggy one as we’d had to get up early that morning while already in the aforementioned jet-lagged sluggish state, watching the German, and then the French countryside whiz by in muted winter pastels. The difference between the German and the French people was palpable as we made different stops between the two countries. We left the dark, buttoned-up garb, with expressions to match, of the German people, to be greeted by the brightly colored, casually chic fashions of the Parisians. And smiles – – many more smiles in France

Our taxi took us on a quick view of the sights of Paris en route to our hotel. PARIS – – the city that defies all effusive description that I can possibly muster with the English language. In the winter, Paris is stark in its beauty – – if it were a drink, it would be a chilled, white chocolate martini – – exquisitely decadent while intoxicating you with its beauty with each sip. Oh, and I did want to drink this city in – – savoring each drop as I went.

Chris and I said “merci” and “bon” and “oui” like parrots who have sadly been taught only three words by a very lazy owner with a bad sense of humor. I was desperate to say more and grew slightly depressed during our 3 night stay that I could not form my mouth in the same way as the elegantly tongued beings around me. Chris inexplicably adopted a “French Accent” which consisted of ordering “Ze Quiche” and “Zis wine” while waving one hand to the side ever-so-slightly. At first I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t. It alternately annoyed me and delighted me – – – he alternately admitted and denied that the accent existed as it grew like a barnacle onto his everyday speech as we walked up and down the streets of Paris.

Luckily, we had many kind, forgiving waiters assist us at Cafes. Waiters who efficiently brought us our food despite us speaking to them like we were two year old French children stricken with a mild speech impediment.

One notable evening, we’d been out to dinner and had a few too many drinks. Afterward, we took a cab to one of the cafes near our hotel. I proceeded to spill my coffee in my saucer and onto the table while attempting to drink it when tipsy and then tried to soak up the offending, excess liquid with two small cocktail napkins. The result was two soggy pieces of paper glaring out at the world from our table vulgarly. A young French couple engrossed in each others’ eyes and wrapped up in a sensual embrace at a table next to us turned during my commotion and openly stared at my sad little display with both curiosity and disdain. The napkins might as well, instead, have been a neon sign reading: “WE’RE AMERICANS WHO CAN’T HOLD OUR LIQUOR. NEXT THING YOU KNOW WE’RE GOING TO PURCHASE BERETS LIKE THE GRISWALDS AND THROW OUR PET DOG OFF THE EIFFEL TOWER.” The waiter came out to mop up the table and glanced at me, then smiled wryly at Chris and said, with a heavy accent: “Does she do this at home?”…

Smart Derriere.

Yeah don’t ever say the French aren’t friendly – – because trust me, they exercise much patience and professionalism in the face of the uncouth. There might be a little sass to their responses at times, but I’ve always been a girl who can appreciate some good-humored sass.

We returned home tired but satiated after our whirlwind tour, having been dazzled by the city of lights fully and completely. I’m hoping that the next time I visit France’s fair city, I will have learned at least six words in French.

Oh Hell – – I’ll really challenge myself and say I might even be able to learn…..seven.

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amy2glow

Ok…so once Sunday rolled around and I was lying on the couch moaning due to a bliiiinnding headache, parched throat and generally feeling like death run over by a steam train (and then trampled by rabid elk…just for good measure)….due to…(wait for it)….my first official hangover of my LIFE….then it became abundantly clear to me that I wasn’t going to make my Sunday deadline. It was for a good cause, though, folks because we went to a ROCKIN’ Halloween party that got us home via cab at 3:00am. My mistake was drinking whiskey – – and not even that MUCH whiskey (comparatively speaking to the Ghosts and Goblins partying around me, that is). But apparently Whiskey and Amy go together like Sarah Palin and a sentence that makes sense (that was said to piss off my Dad ;)).

So…ANYWAY…I’m currently writing about another Halloween party that I went to several years ago that WASN’T so rockin’ – – but I need more time to finish it. Therefore, this post is to show good faith to my five readers out there who are still holding out for a Mental Attic Come-Back. My book report might be late, but I think it’ll be worth it.

(By the way – – the above photo was taken at the beginning of the night before I had dipped into the Sauce. I pulled off the brunette wig surprisingly well for my rendition of Helen of Troy if I do say so myself. I even considered going brunette for REALS, but then realized that after a week, I’d want my blond hair back which would cause my hair stylist to roll his eyes back into his head and say “I TOLD you so…”)

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truckstuckinmud

…My writing mojo, that is.

Folks – – I’ve been busy. And when I haven’t been busy, other things have been grabbing my attention. Things like glitter nail polish, and Halloween Costumes and COOKING – – YES. COOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <—- No amount of exclamation points are enough on that last point….

So, if anyone has known me during my lifetime, then they would understand that I have OBVIOUSLY been going through some Earthquake-like life changes or mafia-style emotional shoot-out to somehow induce a COOKING (!!!!!) gene to suddenly sprout inside of my non-domesticated body and start wielding a frying pan around in there. I don't know what's happened to me and, frankly, it's a little frightening.

Anyway, my friend Alison (hi Alison!) has basically volunteered to kick my ass if I don't put up a new blog post. I have given myself the deadline of Sunday.

Yep…I’m giving this old truck the heave – ho. You have been warned.

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Unsticking the Stuck

My life has changed so much in the last several months that sometimes it feels like my brain cannot catch up with it. And though so many of the changes are good, my body and mind seem to still be coming to grips with the transition. I find myself alternately elated and…..off kilter. Like the spinning top that is the essence of me suddenly and abruptly changed direction and began spinning another way, and I am still trying to steady myself into an appropriate rhythm with it all. I had grown so used to the super-duper extra-confident me – – the me who had it all figured out. And thinking you have it all figured out is always the first sign that you’re about to get kicked quite soundly and succinctly in the ass. So discovering that there are these other facets to me – – not all of them necessarily flattering – – is both humbling and slightly tiresome. However, I feel myself weathering the storm, and moving down the path toward a steady me again.

All this melodramatic prose is to say that I have felt stuck of late with my writing and creativity. It’s in there – – I can feel it – – and I have much to say. But it feels like it’s behind a wall of introspection that is only just beginning to ease. I have hit places like this before, and I know they will pass – – but it does unsettle me when it happens. Transition is a good thing, but it is not always comfortable to go through – – we all like to feel we are in control, and when we begin to feel out of control, well…that’s when sense of self can get a little Wonky.

“Wonky” is a widely accepted, clinical term within the Psychological Community, by the way. You heard it here first. Not to be confused with “Crazy” – – – or in the case of Britney Spears when she shaved her head and starting beating a Paparazzi’s car with her umbrella in a frenzy of four letter expletives – – “Crazy Lady from Crazyville on Planet Crazydom”. No, contrary to what one might think when reading through all my past blog posts, I don’t live there. I sometimes drive by there, yes, but I don’t take the exit ramp.

So – – all this to say – – if I don’t put up many posts in August, you now know why. But September? I’m thinking September’s just GOT to be the month when I’m bringing Zany back.

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me

Ok…so Amity over at http://noblesavage.me.uk tagged me on this about a month ago but I didn’t notice I’d been tagged because I don’t usually get tagged for things because I’m a Scatterbrained Bloggosphere member. As evidenced by the fact that I’m just now responding to my tagging. ūüėČ

So, without further ado – – here are my meandering ponderings…

1. What are your current obsessions?

Um….I think it’s probably pretty obvious by now that my current obsessions, in no particular order, are Sasquatches, Viking hats, Tater Tots, Super Heroes, and Crazy People in Atlanta. Honorable mentions are Space Aliens, Wampas, Wookies, High Heels, Flowers painted on my big toes by the pedicurist, The Beatles, Tall Light Caramel Frappaccinos from Starbucks, reading 3 paragraphs from a book before I go to sleep, and Latin Jazz Dance class 3 days a week.

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?

It’s a tie between jeans and heels. They are both wardrobe staples. That and my Wookie costume – – but I only pull that out in the winter. Goes great with my Jimmy Choos. Ok, I don’t actually have a Wookie costume. Or Jimmy Choos. But it’s only a matter of time before I get both, people!

3. Last dream you had?

Ohhhhhh goody. My nap dreams are always really colorful. The last one I recall in great detail was one I had last week during a 30 min lunchtime nap (don’t be haters because I get to work from home, folks). I dreamed that I opened the blinds of my bedroom to see two Lowes trucks out in my condominium parking lot – – and subsequently, hundreds of members of a high school marching band were filing out of said trucks playing “Just the Two of Us”. And all I could think was “Where is my CAR?” because the lot was completely empty. Oh – – and also a tornado siren was going off in the background. And also I was drunk. Ok – – not really drunk, but if I was, that would have explained a lot, huh?

4. Last thing you bought?

4 cute tops from Victoria’s Secret. Online shopping is an evil, evil thing.

5. What are you listening to?

Craig Ferguson and the dancing puppets he has at the beginning of his show.

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?

Fabudite – – Goddess of Fabulousness and Awesomeness

7. Favourite holiday spots?

Paris!!!! But then again, I think my favorite holiday spot will likely be somewhere I haven’t been yet…

8. Reading right now?

Dooce’s (Heather Armstrong) “It Sucked and Then I Cried”

9. Four words to describe yourself.

Awesome, Awesome, Awesome, and Modest

10. Guilty pleasure?

Facebook, Reality TV and Chocolate. Horrors – – HORRORS!!!!

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?

My old college friends. My friend Stacey Supina. Will Farrel. Really good Muscle Relaxor Pills.

12. Favourite spring thing to do?

Well this is kinda my favorite summer thing to do, but I’m going to say it anyway: eating big, ripe bing cherries while drinking a clean, crisp cold white wine and listening to Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald on a hot afternoon. Bliss.

13. When you die, what would you like people to say about you at your funeral?

“Amy used really great hair products and could spit a cherry pit into her hand in a very unobtrusive, classy way..”

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately?

Two cold glasses of the white wine called “Conundrum”. Slightly fruity, complex, lovely.

15. When did you last go for a night out?

Last Saturday went to a concert at the Variety Playhouse. Twas super fun! ūüôā

16. Favourite ever film?


I’m going to have to say Amelie – – there are great movies out there, but “Amelie” just completely touches my heart due to the overall message of the film AND the delightful quirkiness of Amelie herself.


17. Care to share some wisdom?


Yeah – – this goes out to all the men based on an experience relayed to me by a male friend of mine: Don’t cut up jalapenos, not wash your hands, then go to the bathroom. You won’t be able to say much other than “Holy Mother of….—>*insert expletives*!!!!!” for hours.


18. Song you can’t get out of your head?

Lately it’s been “Across the Universe” by the Beatles.

19. Thing you are looking forward to?

Taking a trip soon – – I don’t know WHERE I’m goin’, but I’m goin’ somewhere!!!!!

20. Which disease or condition would you most like to see eradicated?

Dementia/Alzheimer’s РРand cancer. And of course constipation.


21. What is your most irrational fear?

That a snake is going to jump out of the toilet and bite me in the ass – – and I’m going to have to get to the hospital and have them treat the ass wound. THIS IS NO JOKE, PEOPLE!!!! Those snakes can get into the plumbing and go all mutant and crazy and next thing you know, you’re walking around with a bandaged ass. Or worse, you end up DYING from the snake bite and then everyone knows that you died because you got bit in the ass by a snake. And so everyone will be trying to be all sad at your funeral but periodically, people’s lips will start twitching and they’ll break into maniacal laughter. And then I will haunt ALL of you for eternity!!!! I’m just sayin’….

22. Name the chore you like doing the LEAST.

Hands down: cleaning the toilet.

Rules of the game. Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Tag 6 people (though I only tagged 4)

I tag:

http://www.jensdenofiniquity.com/
http://www.emmaginations.blogspot.com
http://www.gramercyriff.blogspot.com
http://www.rightturnatabq.blogspot.com

(On another note – – I canNOT figure out how to do url links on my blog with the wordpress software. I press the “link” button but then it doesn’t work. If anyone out there uses WordPress, please let me know if you have any hints because it’s been driving me INSANE trying to figure it out.)

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Stay Tuned…

Blog ideas have started to rumble and will be spewing forth very soon. You have been warned…

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The Snuggie

Today in the wide, wide world that is Facebook, my friend Mitsu posted a YouTube video of a commercial I’ve started to both loathe and look forward to (for it’s entertainment value)¬†at the same time.¬† It’s an advertisement for “The Snuggie” which is a contraption that is meant to replace the blanket in terms of comfort, warmth, and generally¬†causing one to look¬†like a first¬†rate assclown (sorry, Leslie, I know you want one).¬† Feast your eyes on this:

 

 

Since when is the blanket not good enough?¬† How about a coat?¬† Or a robe?¬† As I said in a comment on Facebook today, I think this might make me feel like I was being smothered by a muppet.¬† Likely Fozzie bear, if I’m going to be specific.¬† And yeah, Fozzie’s all cuddly and soft…but try an hour of being inside Fozzie Bear and see if you don’t start feeling a wee bit claustrophobic.¬† (As a side note, I just wrote “Fonzie Bear” instead of “Fozzie” which would be something else all together: ¬†A Snuggie in leather form with people sitting around in the commercial with their thumbs up saying “Ehhhhhh…”)

I think people clad in the Snuggie look a little like monks in brightly colored¬†Skittle flavors – – or like the latest character who will be featured on the Teletubbies show (a show which already FREAKS ME OUT!¬† Little bright, bouncy¬†lumps of fabric¬†that make unintelligable noises.¬† It’s WEIRD!).¬†

So anyway, I don’t want a Snuggie for Christmas.¬† Or a Teletubbies DVD.¬† Skittles might be kinda nice as a stocking stuffer though.

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