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Archive for the ‘Grocery Store Drama’ Category

cucumber

There I was, ambling through the cleaning product aisle of the grocery store, AGAIN….minding my own business….AGAIN….

Then I saw it: One…..sad….dejected cucumber, cowering amongst the insecticides.

I looked at it. It looked at me. I thought I saw its lip quiver.

I mean….imagine you’re a cucumber. And you’re laughin’ it up with all the other vegetables – – telling dirty potato jokes, makin’ eyes at the radish you’ve got a crush on. You feel alive – – healthy; you fit in with the group. Then one day, someone picks you up and puts you into their shopping basket. You wave good-bye to all your friends – – your time had come. It wasn’t unexpected and so you relax realizing you are just doing what nature has called you to do. This is your duty and obligation to serve The Circle of Life and you’re ready to make your final sacrifice – – going out like a brave and proud cucumber. (I just re-read this part and guffawed loudly as my mind went DIRECTLY into the gutter. Don’t go there with me people….do….not….do it!)

Then, suddenly, the basket stops moving….and you are removed and put on a shelf with a bunch of gum-chewing, angry, loud, insult-wielding insecticides. They’re sarcastic and rude……they spit on anyone who looks at them wrong. They’re constantly talking about the last bug that they poisoned and how they watched it die a slow, agonizing death on the freshly waxed floor of Aisle 7.

That would be a bad, bad day for a cucumber.

I also started thinking about the person who would decide AGAINST buying a cucumber while perusing the cleaning product aisle. I mean….just ONE cucumber. How would you reach that decision? Would a person think “Ya know…everything in this cart makes sense to buy. I’m feeling good about these purchases. Except……..wait….hang on. Except the cucumber. What was I THINKING??? It looks all WRONG in this cart….wrong, wrong, WRONG! And it will look all wrong in my refrigerator too!!” And then the person would impatiently and unceremoniously remove the offending vegetable, and jam it amongst the Raid cans…..casting it a disapproving eye as they walked away shaking their head.

Poor, poor cucumber.

I thought briefly about rescuing it from the cleaning aisle – – of taking care of it and giving it a new home. I could go and get it its own little plastic baggie from the produce section. Maybe shine it up with a napkin all sparkling and new, and display it proudly in my kitchen…

But it would have looked all wrong in my shopping cart. Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!!

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Well…I innocently ventured into Kroger tonight….on a mission to purchase bottles of water, navel oranges, cereal, ibuprofin and a half of a sandwich from the Kroger deli.  It always starts out innocently, doesn’t it?…right before you stumble across sin, that is.

I meandered through the aisles, zombie-like underneath the fluorescent lights that stretch over the length of the ceiling, like a warehouse-sized tanning bed (except you don’t get tan…everyone just looks more pale and like they are the recent recipient of a new kidney, released from the hospital that afternoon and out for their first jaunt to the grocery store).   I eventually found myself in front of the Organic Food section, browsing amongst the various flavors of Kashi cereal…my eyes briefly stopping on each box, skimming the names and descriptions.  A box in yellow caught my eye…then I moved past it.   But my eyes immediately darted back.  I narrowed them for a moment, then carefully picked up the box and smirked before I put it into my shopping basket.   Here’s what I purchased:

perky0

Now….I’m picturing a bunch of folks sitting at some sort of boardroom table at this cereal company, all in suits and skirts…and wearing knitted brows of concentration on their faces….trying to come up with different slogans for their new, wholesome cereal which is meant to be in direct competition with Cheerios.  They’re all throwing out ideas:  Happy O’s….Peppy O’s…..Smiley O’s.  Then someone blurts out “I know….PERKY O’S!!!!”  Everyone makes noises of agreement….”Yes, yes….Perky O’s….by George…that’s it!….”

….and all the women in the room involuntarily, cross their arms over their chests…

Yes…my Perky O’s and I will be perky tomorrow morning, indeed……over the utter ridiculousness that is this cereal’s name.  Thanks Perky O’s!!!!

So, still in a smirky, perky glow due to my cereal find…I began walking back toward the bottled water aisle, but to get there, I had to pass right by the Humongous Holiday Aisle.  The aisle that contains Halloween decorations in July, and Christmas decorations in October…..therefore, what would be out on the aisle in January?  That’s right….Valentine’s Day.  I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I like my heart-shaped box of chocolates dried up and chalky because they were purchased 6 weeks prior.  Mmmmm. 

But I digress.

I made a passing glance toward the Humongous Holiday Aisle, catching a glimpse of a swath of pink and red – – looking a little like Paris Hilton had decorated this particular Kroger aisle, then jutted out her boney hip and declared “This looks hot” – – – – – when something caught my eye.  It looked so peculiar to me that I dodged the water aisle and meandered toward the sea of garishness to get a closer look.  What I saw, was this:

valentinebears

Now….take a look at those bears up on the top shelf of the aisle….there were about 100 of these bears draped across either side of the aisle……in that….position.

At this point, all I could think is that some stock boys were in charge of putting out the Valentines Day merchandise – – and they did so into the wee hours of the morning, while simultaneous getting wasted off leftover alcohol that had gone past it’s expiration date at the grocery store.  One of them would have likely been standing atop a ladder, balancing precariously on wobbly legs, while he yells:   “DUDE!!!  Check out what I’m doin’ with the bears!!!!!!”   And one of the other guys looks up, starts laughing, and says “YYEEAAAHHH!  BAD bears!!!!!”, then takes another swig of PBR while texting his friend about it who’s working the nightshift at the 24-hour Walgreens down the street to tell him to do the same thing with THEIR Valentine Aisle.  Starting off a domino effect and corrupting innocent Valentine Cuddly Toys all across Atlanta.

I stood there for a moment, thinking of this scenario.  Yes, yes…I KNOW that they’re likely placed on the top of the aisle like that so that people can more easily reach them……but LOOK at them for goodness sake!  Just LOOK at them! And if your kids walk into the room and peer over your shoulder at your computer while you’re looking at them then for all that is good and Holy in this world….cover their eyes!!!!!

I then reached into my purse for my iPhone because, you know, I HAD to blog about this – – – the iPhone was, once again, all I had on hand at the grocery store to chronicle An Event.  I guess I’m going to have to start taking my big, nice camera with me on all grocery store trips because this makes the second time in a month I’ve needed to take a spontaneous photo for blogging purposes at the grocery store.  And at this rate, I fully expect a leprechaun to jump out of one of the coolers in the frozen food section and start doing the moonwalk – – – and I need to be prepared for that moment, people.   

As I snapped a couple of photos of the bears, a man walked in front of me, while slowly glancing back at me every couple of steps…..likely about to summon security and inform them that some sick woman in aisle 7 is taking photos of the asses of stuffed bears.   I scrambled to put the iPhone back into my purse and pretend like I’m just….you know…a normal, everyday shopper purchasing some yams and celery root…..one who doesn’t purchase Perky O’s, or imagine Carebears in a special feature presentation on the Spice Channel.  I didn’t want to be hauled off by a security officer and interrogated in Kroger’s Room of Fear by a GBI (Grocery Bureau of Investigation) Agent who “spends his days and nights LOOKING for sick, no-good people” like me, as  he stands over me with an intimidating expression — while I sit at a table underneath a single, swinging lightbulb…..my box of “Perky O’s” resting conspicuously beside my chair like a neon rectangle of guilt.

Thinking of this, I walked more quickly to purchase  my bottled water and ibuprofin. 

Both were G-Rated Experiences.

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