Weekly Pondering: Wookie vs. Wampa

Like everyone else, I sometimes wonder about which Star Wars characters would win in a duel. Ok – - I actually never usually wonder that but for reasons even too bizarre for me to describe, I found myself pondering two characters in particular and those are – - the infamous “Wookie” (most often associated with Chewbacca or “Chewy” from the original Star Wars trilogy) and the “Wampa” from The Empire Strikes Back. What is the “Wampa” you might ask? Well – - the Wampa is the big, white, hairy beast that attacked Luke at the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back and hung him up in his evil, dastardly snow cave like a frozen, human bat, to be thawed in the microwave and eaten at a later time with a side dish of broccoli and twice baked potato. Since both beasts are Sasquatchian in their make-up and demeanor, and given my penchant for anything and everything Sasquatch, surely you could understand why the creatures would be so near and dear to my cerebral cortex?

So I languidly pondered who would win in a duel a couple of days this week, as one does, and have decided that I think the Wookie would win. For no good reason other than he seems to be more agile than the Wampa – - – and he hangs out with Han Solo and Han Solo is HOT.

One would think that I would be the only person on the planet to ponder a Wookie vs. Wampa event, wouldn’t one? I mean – I AM the Queen of the Random Thought, admittedly, and Obscurity is my middle name. However – - you would be wrong, wrong, wrong. WRONG. You underestimate the thought processes of a certain breed of human – - and that breed is called: The Star Wars Nerd

All I had to do was google “Wookie vs. Wampa” and a veritable plethora of information on the subject came up, including a make-shift video of such an event that I can only imagine was written and directed by two bored, acne ridden, fifteen year olds who have every Star Wars action figure known to man alphabetized and put away into their own custom designed shelving, covered by a bullet-proof plexi-glass, and who can also roar like a Wookie on command at any party:

But that’s not all, folks. There are Star Wars Nerd Forums. Ohhhhhh yes there are. And these forums have pondered this VERY SUBJECT at length – - giving very well-thought-out, complicated reasoning as to why one or the other would win. Here is an ACTUAL transcript from one of these such online conversations:

Godmoan: you know, who would win in a fight a wampa or a wookie?

AlanWhiteWolf: Naturally a wampa but a properly trained wookie would Nail that wompa cause wompas are dumb.

DarthPlo: wookies have higher brain power, so wookies.

KingAres: LOL that is so false. Humans have higher brain power compared to Gorillas, but a gorilla could detroy a human with ease. That said a Wampa would win.

JekRendar: Since the conditions were not specified, I’d argue a Wookiee would pull out his bowcaster and blast the Wampa 100 meters away.

Darth Aramith: It would depend on the conditions, but in hand to hand combat a wompa would own the wookie.

DarthPlo: A good example. however, like some other people on here said, the terms are not specified. A wookie (or human) would not let something like a Wampa (or gorilla) close enough to do damage, and would find a way to take it out strategically.

KingAres: Very true. I concur more conditions must be set.

Yocswg: Wookie would win. They would be smart enough to know some type of hand to hand combat, and be able to use the Wampa’s size against him. The Wookie would dodge the Wampas wild swings, and use his strength/weight to shove him to the ground. The Wookie would then jump on the Wampas back, and snape his neck for the quick kill.

Kendou: It’s hard to tell from the movie, but wampas are LARGE. They’re certainly a lot stronger than a wookie. Wookies tend to travel not only armed, but heavily armed, usually with bowcasters. If a wook closed in with blades, he would deserve to have his *** handed to him, and he would most likely achieve that outcome. Hanging back and blasting the bid wampa from maximum range would be a lot safer, but we don’t really know how fast wampas can move to close that range. I’d like to see this, but from a safe distance, say half a kilometer away through a rifle scope.

But I think that someone by the name of “Aturi” says it best in this conversation, with this statement:

Aturi: Wookie. don’t ask this question again. Lock this thread for incompetence. You should have known right at the beginning who would win. You disgust me and ashame your family.

So I guess the Wookie would win because he’s smarter and pretty good with a bowstaff. Much like Napoleon Dynamite, really. After reading that this conversation ACTUALLY took place on planet earth by people who seemed at least partially serious, I’m feeling pretty solid again in my own mental faculties.

Also – - based on more research – - if anyone is dying to be a Wampa for Halloween next year, I got you hooked up for that as well. Check out this action: